TAW (talking about wine)

Sometimes it seems we live in a world accessible only through acronyms. Mark Norrish takes the thought to heart, and proposes a new way of making comments about wine.

 OK, my closet secret, I am an ABC fan! Well, yes and no, really. ABC (‘anything but chardonnay’) is as far as wine drinkers have developed the art of communicating by acronym. And it could so easily be taken further. Look at any newspaper, and count the acronyms on any page....

Many people, we are told, are scared off by the current vocabulary of Winespeak. Let’s do away with the pompous language used by the sniffers and spitters, and ease the communication task of the drinking masses, with a new acronymic language (Wineperanto?). Apart from other benefits, it would enable the taster to state in one second an opinion that might normally require five or even ten seconds – hence giving one time to taste at least five times as many wines.

Here follows the transcript of an experimental wine-tasting of a group of academic volunteers in a Group University Tasting Seminar (GUTS). The scene: A group of students, some bottles and tasting glasses. The time: 9:55 am (the session should have started at 9, but Harry was late in arriving back from his dad’s funeral). The first wine is poured.

Harry: BIG [Boy, it’s good].

Sally: VOW [Very ordinary wine].

Thandi: BALF, WAGES [Balanced, a long finish][Well aged, gorgeous ending, subtle].

Ben: RUGRAT [Rotten, unripe grapes, raw alcohol, terrible].

Miriam: UGLY, DORK [Uugh, gross, lousy year] [Dried out, rough, kak].

Ivan: NASTY [No after-taste, stalky, terrible year].

Rafi: VROT [Very raw, overtly terrible].

You see, dear reader – ECAS [Everything considered, absolutely simple]. Now, back to the tasting. Wine Number 1 is always a bit tricky, toothpaste in the mouth, tannins abound, alliances are still being formed, statements are short as the group requires warming up. Move on to the second wine. Ben rushes out at this point, as his Professor has just called him on his cellphone, asking why he is late for his English seminar. To which he replied ‘OGIF’ [Oh goodness, I forgot]. Actually, what he really said was ‘FIF’.

Maria: FLIMSY [Fruit light, impossibly mediocre, seriously yukky].

Rafi: SHREK [Simply horrible, rotgut, extremely kak].

Harry: BEYERS [Blerrie eeugh, yicky, estery, rough, sour].

Ivan: CORKY [Coarse, ‘orrible, rough, kinetski, yugh]

*Author’s note: We are assured by Ivan that ‘kinetski’ is an untranslatable Russian wine-tasting word, and definitely uncomplimentary. We must believe him, even though he is only a first-year student.

Sally: On the contrary, it’s CLASSIC [Charming, lively, accessible, structured, stylish, intense, complex].

Author’s note: This is an unusually long, complex statement from Sally. Incidentally, she should also be at the English seminar, but the Prof has his eyes on her, and she is working out whether to avoid him or not. We are impressed with Sally’s comments on this wine, although we suspect she peeked at the notes of Miriam, who is sitting alongside her, Miriam being an English Honours student, and very friendly with the Professor. In Wineperanto, we would say describe Miriam as BAFOTLD [Big and firm, one to lay down].

Miriam: ILIL [I like it lots].

Thandi: AWFUL [Australian wine, flabby, unripe, lousy].

Wine number three is then poured.

Sally: FARMER [Fruit absent, rather mediocre, earthy, rustic]

Harry: HARRY POTTER [Heady, astringent, rough, raw, yeasty] [Porty, oaky, tense, tannic, estery, raw]

Thandi: THELEMA [Too heady, estery, light, European, meaty, acidic]

*Editor’s note: Much impressed by this comment, which was new to us.

Ben: TOD [Too oaky, Doll].

Ivan: SADIE [ Strawberries, apples, dusty, intense, elegant].

Rafi: MAAAAAH [Medicinal, acidic, alcoholic, awful, anti-social, aaargh, horrible].

Miriam: PROFESSOR [Plump, rich, original, fruity, erotic, sweet, stupendous, orgasmic, regal]. The rest of the group, and the editor, wonder about this. We suspect she will receive her doctorate in English pretty soon.

10am. They all depart. DUGABLE [dirty unwashed glasses and bottles left everywhere].

See how easy it is? The tasting took less than 5 minutes, allowing the students more time for socialising. The author of the forthcoming Wineperanto dictionary would be grateful for any contributions, so please send them to GRAPE [Great researched articles, precise, excellent].