A tribute to Mr. Murphy and the Blue Ribbon Army

We tend in these pages to celebrate alcoholic drink (taken in moderation, of course), but it seems fair to occasionally allow space to the opposition.  And who could use it better than William McGonagall (1825-1902), sweet singer of of Dundee, renowned as the best bad poet in the language?

And, I’m sure, if they take his advice, they ever will rue
The day they joined the Blue Ribbon Army in the year 1882;
And I hope to their colours they will always prove true
And shout, Hurrah! for Mr. Murphy and the Ribbon of Blue.

What is strong drink? Let me think – I answer ’tis a thing
From whence the majority of evils spring.
And causes many a fireside with boisterous talk to ring,
And leaves behind it a deadly sting.

Some people do say it is good when taken in moderation,
But, when taken to excess, it leads to tribulation,
Also to starvation and loss of reputation,
Likewise your eternal soul’s damnation.

The drunkard, he says he can’t give it up,
For I must confess temptation’s in the cup;
But he wishes to God it was banished from the land,
While he holds the cup in his trembling hand.

And he exclaims in the agony of his soul –
Oh, God, I cannot myself control
From this most accurs’d cup!
Oh, help me, to give it up!

Strong drink to the body can do no good;
It defiles the blood, likewise the food,
And causes the drunkard with pain to groan,
Because it extracts the marrow from the bone:

And hastens him on to a premature grave,
Because to the cup he is bound a slave;
For the temptation is hard to thole,
And by it he will lose his immortal soul.

The more’s the pity, I must say,
That so many men and women are by it led astray,
And decoyed from the paths of virtue and led on to vice
By drinking to much alcohol and acting unwise.

Good people all, every degree,
I pray ye, all be warned by me:
I advise ye all to pause and think,
And never more to taste strong drink.

Because the drunkard shall never inherit the kingdom of God
And whosoever God loves he chastens with his rod:
Therefore, be warned, and think in time,
And don’t drink any more whisky, rum, or wine.

But go at once – make no delay,
And join the Blue Ribbon Army without dismay,
And rally round Mr. Murphy, and make a bold stand,
And help to drive the Bane of Society from our land.

I wish Mr. Murphy every success,
Hoping he will make rapid progress;
And to the Blue Ribbon Army may he always prove true,
And adhere to his colours – the beautiful blue.