THE SCEPTICAL WINE-LOVER'S ALPHABET

A is for alcohol, additives and Australianisation: the more the merrier of all three, it seems, in modern Cape wine.

B is for Bacchus, and for biodynamics - maybe he understands its mysteries and why it sometimes seems to work.

C is for collectors of cult wines: the unspeakable proudly amassing the undrinkable.

D is for drunk and (too often simultaneously) for driving).

E is for extraction - and for enough is enough!

F is for flavourants - we swallow more of them than we realise. Also, not unconnectedly, for fashionably fruit-driven.

G is for green-pepper essence, which turns hot-climate sauvignon blanc into ... cool-climate sauvignon blanc.

H is for wine's health-giving effect - one of the less joyous reasons for drinking.

I is for international and indistinguishable - and for icons. Many winemakers merely get the former when they think they're getting close to the latter.

J is for judges, whose opinions are so much more important than our own - so wouldn't it be nice if they agreed with each other?

K is for kabernet (isn't it?), one of our favourite brands (isn't it?).

L is for the label, one sight of which an expert finds more useful than a dozen sniffs and swallows.

M is for manipulation and (genetic) modification - but not in wine, of course, because wine's a natural product.

N is for noble rot; there's a lot of it about, especially on back-labels. To be treated with regular applications of a small amount of salt.

O is for oak, our favourite flavourant-additive, and for over-ripeness which matches it well.

P is for packaging, which can hide a multitude of sins.

Q is for quality - widely considered to be nearly as important as marketing.

R is for riesling, the greatest white grape (but who cares?).

S is for sugar, a significant ingredient in many best-sellers and show-winners, and for soul, which is not.

T is for terroir: that rare little bit of space for nature in wine, when interventionism in vineyard and cellar allows it.

U is for upfront fruit, which impresses the critics but soon disappears.

V is for the vineyard, where great wines are made, and sadly also for virus, which doesn't much help.

W is for wine-shows. Enter enough of them, and you're bound to win one day (and lose the next).

X is for xylem: water-conducting tissue in vines (but then you knew that already).

Y is for yawning, as the brands (with Coke as their model) triumph over wine's infinite variety.

Z is for zinfandel - what a sad anti-climax!